Gurus from Different Backgrounds Advocate “Presence”, but What Is It?
We have been told that being present is important, but many of us have never had a role model of presence or understood what “being present” means or even what it feels like.
What Does “Being Present” Mean?
Essentially, being present means that you are aware of the now. You are not thinking about the past or projecting into the future. You are in the now — the present moment. While this may seem obvious and quite simple, it is difficult to be in the present moment as an adult.
We think ahead and plan constantly — how are we going to tackle that work problem, who’s going to collect the children from school, what’s for dinner and where could we holiday. We’re preoccupied with the mundane goings-on and also, by our longer-term aspirations. What’s more, we’ve accumulated enough years for the past to pop into our minds too.
“If you feel anxiety or depression, you are not in the present. You are either anxiously projecting the future or depressed and stuck in the past. The only thing you have any control over is the present moment.” ― Tobe Hanson
Engaging the Senses
Another way of understanding the present moment is by being aware of exactly what is going on around us through our senses, feelings, and emotions. What can you see, feel, hear, taste and touch? It is through our senses that we can re-engage with the present moment and move away from thoughts about the past or the future.
As adults, some of us tend to do daily things on autopilot, unconsciously — we’re not there at all. When last did you notice something as simple as brushing your teeth and is it important to notice these habitual routines? Many gurus point to this simple awareness as a key to understanding ourselves and a key to happiness. What else might you be missing?
It’s More Than That
Beyond taking in everything through our senses consciously, being present is also about being present to feelings and emotions that arise and noticing them. By the time we are adults, some of us have developed the habit of ignoring or pushing away anything we’d rather not engage with.
We might consistently ignore a niggling pain that we should have checked out or we might ignore sadness or anger and prefer to distract ourselves. Being present is about being aware of both our external and internal worlds and seeing them for what they are. It is no wonder that we find being present difficult.
When we add in other people, things become more complex.
Are You Present for Others and How Are You Listening?
Very often when we are in conversation with someone, we may feel quite good. We may be chatting about something that we have in common and have a good flow of conversation from one person to the other. Look a little closer though — are you listening to the other person? Are you listening to understand or are you listening to make your next point and build your story and your argument?
Being present means that you can drop your agenda and hear the other person. You start asking questions to understand them better. “Can you tell me more?” “What do you mean?”
It sounds simple, but it is tough and nuanced. Giving up your story and your point so that you can unpack more of someone else’s takes a lot of practice. Try it sometime — even for a moment — to see if it changes the dynamic of your conversation. Instead of replying with a “come back”, try a “dive in.”
Hold Yourself Back from Offering Advice (Yes! I See the Irony!)
When it comes to parenting, I often hear myself or my husband wanting to impart some nugget of information or learning that made a difference in our lives. Our children are polite (and still quite young). They listen kindly.
I have noticed that this well-intentioned advice can glean a more polite/ hazy look especially when it comes with: “why don’t you try” or “you could/ you should”. It doesn’t land.
If we lead with a question of curiosity though, the result is so different. They launch into a monologue of what they might do, how they might go about finding a solution, and what they’re passionate about. I don’t get it right often, but when I do, it is magic.
“Take your time to understand. Don’t just do something, be there.” ― Marshall Rosenberg.
What does Presence Feel Like?
I recently completed a course to teach children to practice mindfulness. As a result of the pandemic, we did our first training online. There were students from all around the world and I worried that we might feel disconnected and have trouble understanding each other.
One of the key learnings is about children feeling seen and heard. Interestingly, this was modeled for us. We were seen and heard. We had the opportunity to practice seeing and hearing others on the course and then, in our pilot courses. You can feel the difference when you get it right. You can see the other person breathe a little better — they can relax and just be, but they also have a little spring in their step. They feel accepted and not judged.
It can be tricky to put it into words, but presence feels like acceptance for you — not necessarily for all your behavior — but for you as a person. It’s the feeling of a mother who can reprimand their child for their actions, but still, make them understand they’re loved as they are.
A Reminder of What Presence is Not
Presence is not distraction. If you are watching TV, on your phone, or even reading a book, you are not present to those around you. All of these are distractions. Are you present to yourself in these moments? Perhaps, perhaps not.
Even thoughts can keep you from the present moment. People can tell if you’re thinking of something else. You may be there physically, but you’re not present.
If you are after a distraction, choose it mindfully. If, however, you hope to connect with someone, put down your phone or your book and turn off the TV. Take a breath to reconnect to yourself and calm your mind. Connection doesn’t take a long time. If you are present with yourself or someone else for a moment, it is enough.
If you find you are feeling impatient and unable to listen, be honest and agree to another time when you know you’ll be more available. Keep your promise and make it happen.
“Your life requires your mindful presence to live it. Be here now.” ― Akiroq Brost
